Parents.......Control your kids !

[JimP]

Originally Posted by glypnirsgirl

I have no qualms telling a child, "I cannot enjoy my tacos while you are screaming in my ear."

Elaine,

A better approach is to buy the value meal (3 tacos).. that way you have an extra one to stick in their ears.

/Jim

[Daitcher]

Originally Posted by glypnirsgirl

Oh well, I am one of those people that will say something to misbehaving children. I do not say anything to their parents --- unless they are the ones misbehaving. I have no qualms telling a child, "I cannot enjoy my tacos while you are screaming in my ear." I do not say it mean, but just as a statement of fact. I do not tell the child what to do --- I don't think that is my place. I believe that I am entitled to express myself and how I am feeling.

I think that most children are simply too egocentric to realize the effect that they are having on other people. When my son was little, I would normally ask him when he was misbehaving, "How do you think that you doing X makes your friend feel?" so that he could get in the habit of thinking about his affect on other people.

If I get blasted by a parent that thinks that I should mind my own business, so be it. Its worth the risk to me.

Elaine

I have to say you guys are winning me over. I can see the points being made here and the ones that really got me thinking were your post quoted here and the movie theatre example.

It is sticky subject for sure. In the end I guess each circumstance is different and should be handled differently.

For me, I'm just staying out of it. I recently had a situation happen at a neighbors house (a good friend by the way). My son was playing with his kids while we were there for a get together. My son was asked to stop doing something I guess.(I missed it as I was socializing) When he didn't stop doing whatever it was the guy grabbed my son by the arm and scolded him basically saying that when you are at my house you follow the rules. My wife was steamed but out of good neighborism (is that a word?) kept her mouth shut and told me about it later. It made her VERY uncomfortable. I wasn't happy about it either as I'd never treat someone's kid that way. So that is where I'm coming from, I wouldn't treat anyone's child that way by either putting hands on them or scolding them. Sure I expect rules to be followed but I can get that accomplished by taking away a toy or privledge or simply ending the playdate.

I follow that in public even more so with strangers. It just seems like crossing a line, IMO. Also, I'm never mad at the child but I go get steamed at the parent either allowing or enabling them in that behavior so it isn't like I'm immune to this stuff. I pity the kids for not having better parents.

Thanks for the great thread.


DAVE

[JimP]

Dave,

Your story about the neighbor dusted off some old brain cells.

When our kids were young... my wife organized a neighborhood play group... and each family would take turns hosing the group. One boy was VERY into guns, swords, army guys, and anything else that was a weapon. A different family had a very pacifist attitude about life. When it was their turn to host the play group... they politely asked that "little GI Joe" not bring any of his normal play things to their house. He showed up as requested... and was shown a nice pile of blocks to play with. Young GI Joe went over... picked one up, tossed it over his shoulder and yelled "BOMBS"!

/Jim

[burcs]

Originally Posted by Daitcher

the guy grabbed my son by the arm

dude, there is a big difference between speaking up and actually making physical contact, especially with kids. your wife handled it better than i would have.

i wasn't there (obviously) but it sounds to me like a line was crossed. maybe not in the setting you were at, but say at a movie theater? nuh-uh.

p

[glypnirsgirl]

Young GI Joe went over... picked one up, tossed it over his shoulder and yelled "BOMBS"!

You just cannot control children.

When he didn't stop doing whatever it was the guy grabbed my son by the arm and scolded him basically saying that when you are at my house you follow the rules. My wife was steamed but out of good neighborism (is that a word?) kept her mouth shut and told me about it later. It made her VERY uncomfortable. I wasn't happy about it either as I'd never treat someone's kid that way. So that is where I'm coming from, I wouldn't treat anyone's child that way by either putting hands on them or scolding them

And I would NEVER lay a hand on someone else's child. I just do not believe that it is acceptable. What if the man had said slightly louder than the first time, "(child's name), that is against the rules, you need to follow the rules." Without making contact, yelling or scolding? Would your wife be comfortable then?

It really is a fine line between protecting your own rights without stepping on someone else's.

I have to deal with children coming in to my office on a regular basis. Some children are great and they just sit in a chair and read one of my children's books and they are happy. Some are everywhere and into everything. Trying to play games on the computers, pulling open file drawers, disturbing everyone. When they are here in my office and they are misbehaving and their parents are not setting limits, I just look at the child and tell them they have two choices, they can sit in the chair or they can sit in my lap, but they are not allowed to wander around. They almost always choose sitting in the chair. The rare child that chooses sitting in my lap usually just needs some attention. Its better sitting behind the desk with me and looking at their parents (and having their parents look at them) than being left out.

My own son has an autism spectrum disorder. One of his teachers expressed it best, "Jordan never starts trouble, but once trouble has started, he is always the second one there." It was really important to just never let things get out of hand with him, because it was difficult to rein him back in. I see my speaking directly to a child and telling the child how I feel (not what they should do) to be my part in helping the child see other people's points of view. I am really calm and quiet about it, not abusive or ugly. Almost always, the child responds by moderating his own behavior. I figure that if they know how to behave, they just had a temporary lapse of memory, the child is probably usually well parented. Frequently, the child is the only person who is even aware that I have spoken to them. I think that it actually reinforces the parent rather than undermining the parent. The child then knows that it isn't just his/her parents that finds misbehavior unacceptable, other people do as well.

So it serves two purposes, first it usually works and I get to enjoy myself. But almost as important, if the child continues to misbehave, it does not bother me as much because I have expressed myself.

I think that events that most recently happened to us color how we feel about topics such as this that are close to our hearts.

Elaine

[AFMom]

I have at least 3 or 4 "spares" at my house all the time, mostly boys. And I absolutely do insist they follow my house rules when they are here. I expect other adults to keep my kids in line if I don't see something happening as well. I've even brought a boy to tears - but he was hurting another child and being extremely rude to me. However - I NEVER touch someone else's kid.
I have no problem with someone telling my kids to behave - heck - if I miss what they are doing - I'm glad someone else caught them! But - again - they certainly shouldn't touch them.

[nono]

Originally Posted by AFMom

I've even brought a boy to tears

Now, when you can bring a 17 yr old boy to tears, you'll be ready to be an Immaculate Heart nun.

[vwl mom]

I see your Immaculate Heart nun and raise you one School Sister of Notre Dame

[Daitcher]

Originally Posted by glypnirsgirl

And I would NEVER lay a hand on someone else's child. I just do not believe that it is acceptable. What if the man had said slightly louder than the first time, "(child's name), that is against the rules, you need to follow the rules." Without making contact, yelling or scolding? Would your wife be comfortable then? Elaine

More comfortable but not really. Any type of scolding when the parents are present isn't really something we'd ever do so we expect the same. We were there so we would have handled any behavior without his intervening.



DAVE

[Daitcher]

Originally Posted by burcs

dude, there is a big difference between speaking up and actually making physical contact, especially with kids. your wife handled it better than i would have.

i wasn't there (obviously) but it sounds to me like a line was crossed. maybe not in the setting you were at, but say at a movie theater? nuh-uh.

p

I hear you. I wasn't aware of this until we went home. I had went to grab another beer and was chatting with his wife. Believe me, I wasn't happy about it. At the end of the day this guy is a great guy and a great dad. He just demands respect in a different way than we do. If it ever happened again I'd take care of it.

This thread is great and I applaud everyone for not attacking others and putting some obvious sensitive issues out there. This is the difference in this forum and others that I've been a part of. Nice to have some adult discussion.


DAVE