A good one!

[Colorado Belle]

This is from one of my British friends. I think Tesco is a major retailer or pharmacy or something:
>
> One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him,
> "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
>
> Listen; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
>
> There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
> and
> the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
>
> It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
> better
> than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".
>
> So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Tesco.
> He
> deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine
> sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>
> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
> "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
> activity. It will improve in two weeks".
>
> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack
> began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>
> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
> from
> his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for
> good
> measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
happen.
>
> He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
> results.
>
> The computer prints the following:
>
>
>
>
> 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
>
> 2) your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
>
> 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>
> 4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>
> 5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will
never
> get better....
>
> Thank you for shopping at Tesco
>
>

[pollymn]

:ROTFL: Thanks CB I needed a good laugh today

[7swans]

That was a good one!
Here is another

The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which
respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem...except that the last
line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other--
that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to *ell."

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[bababear]

Thanks CB --that's a great one --a keeper,
Hugs Mel

[ghost1000]

FYI, Tesco is mostly a supermarket, but some of the stores also sell gasoline.